i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
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She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
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He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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