she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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