It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
