I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
