I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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