I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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