please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
