I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
