My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
