I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
