Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
