Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
