Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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