so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
