your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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