the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
