I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
