maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
