Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
