The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
