On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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