Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
