No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
