nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
