my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
