I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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