You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
