and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
