I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
