i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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