Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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