I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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