Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I still have a little drunk in my system
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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