You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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