I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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