I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
