Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
