I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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