Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
