I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have tasted many bathrooms
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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