I just saw a hot homeless man
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
