you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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