It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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