you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
