I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
