I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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