we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
