She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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