I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
