it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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