ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
