so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
