His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
