Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
