he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
