How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
